I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
