Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
