respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
