i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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