Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
