im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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