my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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