dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
