Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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