The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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