listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
not ubering you a puppy
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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