If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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