you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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