I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
