Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
