I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
