I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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