I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
