I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
