So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
