I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
