How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
