I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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