Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
