He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
