Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
