remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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