If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The uberlube is also flammable
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
