I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
NoShamevember. You game?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
