My Higher Power is John Stamos
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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