Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
