Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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