I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
