What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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