my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
