My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
