I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the day after is always just damage control
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
