Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
