i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My feet surprised me
Randomize
