How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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