I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
