I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
