I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
