Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
