You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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