Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Are my feet made of real feet?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
