how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
