Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
