My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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