i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
